0YH1. EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH. NIGHT
a kid playing football at night on his own in a big empty pitch. He is playing football on his own doing kick ups and tricks. he is looking in to clear night sky as he prepares to kick the ball the ball in to the big empty goal. his face impressions stays the same as he doesn't make any gestures the kid looks a serious because he doesn't smile and he doesn't look kike a normal KID . he is wearing a yellow football shirt which has blood on it.
2. EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH /. SIDELINES .
whilst the boy is playing football he gets spotted by a man and then the man watches on. a man sees him and then the man starts paying attention to him. the man is wearing black clothes. the man use to know the kid but the kid died in a football match as he got stabbed in the changing rooms by him after a football match, but the man is not sure about the kid.
3.EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH .
the boy spots the man but he acts like he doesn't see him so he carries on playing football. the man approaches him and the kid turns around dramatically and they both look at each other and then the boy recognizes the man so they both look at each other and the boy doesn't talk to the man for a couple of seconds then the man talks to he says.
MOHAMED
can i play with you?
the boy answers by shaking his head up and down then the boy returns to playing football.
4. EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH.
the boy passes the ball to the man then the man see blood on the football an he gets shocked and he asks the boy
MOHAMED
Why is there blood on your shirt?
the boy speaks for the first and he replies
ALI
you should know
5. INT.CHANGING ROOMS .
the man has a FLASHBACK of him and his friends stabbing the boy in the school changing after a disagreement in the same football pitch then the boy dies in the flashback and they run away and the kid dies alone , then the man comes back from the flashback.
6. EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH
then the man gets really shocked and then the man says
MOHAMED
Is u isn't it?
ALI
Yes
7.EXT .FOOTBALL PITCH.
the man gets shocked he doesn't know what run or hide but he cant do nothing so amzingly the boy says
ALI
I forgive you
end: a writing on the screen which says " would you forgive your killer"?
Mohamed, you have listened to me and really developed your script so that it has a plot, the beginning of characters and a clever twist. Well done! Here are some scene-by-scene notes to improve your work:
ReplyDelete0YH1. EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH. NIGHT
Tidy up your scene heading.
How old is the kid?
Check your spellings and capital letters ( you need to do this throughout your script.)
2. EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH /. SIDELINES .
You have left out the time of day or night for all your scenes apart from the first one.
If you are cutting between two locations like here, you need to add (INTERCUT) at the end of the location, before you add the time of day or night.
You sometimes call your character the kid, sometimes the boy and sometimes Ali. This is confusing so you need to choose one name for your character and use it throughout the whole script.
Similarly, either call the man “Man” or “Mohamed.”
You need to find a way to show that the man stabbed the boy; there is no way the audience could know this. Your flashback scene could do this but needs to be written more clearly.
3.EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH .
The second sentence in your stage directions here is too long, with too many connectives. Break it down into clearer, shorter sentences.
The boy nods his head up and down, not shakes it.
4. EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH.
Again, break your stage directions into shorter, clearer sentences.
You don't need to put that the boy speaks for the first time; it is his first line so we can seee this already.
5. INT.CHANGING ROOMS .
This needs to be done in more detail. It might actually be a sequence of shorter scenes. Think about what happens in order and remember, every location is a new scene. A scene can be one image if that is all that is needed. What do the viewers need to see in order to show the murder of the boy?
Also, how will you show it is a flashback? Isw it in black and white? Isd it silent? Is it accompanied by music?
6. EXT.FOOTBALL PITCH
How does the man get shocked? What does he do? Scene 7 is part of scene 6. Merge these scenes. At the end, the message on the screen is called a caption.